4/10
G.I. Joe: Retaliation is a Hollywood popularity contest. It is technically a sequel to 2009’s G.I.
Joe: The Rise of Cobra but these two films have almost nothing in
common. Marlon Wayans is not too popular
anymore so he is out and when they made Retaliation, Channing Tatum was not as
big of a box office draw as he is today.
Therefore, the studio cancelled it’s original release for June 2012,
reshot more scenes with Tatum, who at that time skyrocketed in fame, and here
we are now with all new lead characters in what is supposed to be the next
chapter in the same story.
These actor and character do-overs are akin to voting for
the prom king. Unfortunately, the story
is just as ridiculous even though they brought in really popular action stars
Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Bruce Willis.
The President of the United States (Jonathan Pryce) was kidnapped by
Cobra and replaced by Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) who copied his face courtesy of
nano-technology. Try and stay with me here
folks.
Duke (Tatum), Roadblock (Johnson), Lady Jaye (Adrianne
Palicki), Flint (D.J. Cotrona), and Snake Eyes (Ray Park) are the main Joes and
they are off saving nukes from falling into the wrong hands or some such
nonsense when evil President Zartan orders their destruction and frames them
for something or other. Now that all of
the G.I. Joes are presumed dead, which they are not because then there would be
no film, they can get down to business of uncovering the mystery of the
President, the nukes, and why Bruce Willis plays the same character he does in Red
(2010).
Even though Retaliation is saddled with being part of the
remedial G.I. Joe franchise, it was not a requirement to cater it towards the
lowest common denominator of movie-goes, they chose to make it that way. There is a sequence towards the end that
touches on so many geopolitical issues concerning nuclear weapons that Retaliation
could have aimed much higher. Instead,
we get an hour-and-a-half of The Rock’s bulging biceps, impossible
state-of-the-art technology, the most ridiculous detective work performed by
Lady Jaye, and the swooshing sounds of swords which in reality everyone knows
do not make those sounds.
Oh, and RZA shows up!
He may be the world’s worst actor, but at least they got a die-hard
Shaolin kung-fu fanboy to play the Blind Master. His scenes come off as parody, but it gives
the audience a chance to see what remedial filmmaking does to the genre of
Asian martial arts. Give me Tarantino’s Kill
Bill vol. 1 any day over this bargain bin knock-off.
Not only did they bring in a new cast, the studio also
brought in a new director, Jon M. Chu.
They certainly did not hire him for his strong credentials in directing
mega-budget action films. His resume
highlights include the documentary Justin Bieber: Never Say Never and
two installments of the Step Up franchise. Perhaps this is why Retaliation is campy
instead of tongue-in-cheek funny.
When I was a kid, it was “G.I. Joe, the American Hero.” Now it’s, “G.I. Joe, we will cast whoever is
kind of a box office draw right now and trade in plot and rationality for
home-made tanks and all things that go Boom!”
G.I. Joe: Retaliation is all things that should be avoided in
the movie theater.
Directed by: Jon M. Chu
Written by: Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick
Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Bruce Willis, Adrianne Palicki, D.J. Cotrona, Jonathan Pryce, Ray Park, Byung-hun Lee, Elodie Yung, Ray Stevenson, Channing Tatum, Arnold Vosloo, Joseph Mazzello, RZA